BREAKING: New Challenger Emerges in District IV Race to Topple Carey
As election season looms, a new hope has emerged in Midtown — pledging to bring transparency, sequins and cryptocurrency to the dais at 1300 White Street.
In what could be the most Key West development since a rooster delayed a city budget vote, former convicted (and now pardoned) congressman and full-time fabulist George Santos has filed to run for Key West City Commission — against Commissioner Lissette Carey — under his new drag persona, “R’Lisa DeFiles.”
The self-proclaimed “Southernmost truth-teller” made the announcement Thursday outside Sloppy Joe’s, flanked by a rooster, a drag queen, and a man wrapped in a glittered Conch Republic flag.
“I know corruption when I see it,” Santos said, fanning himself with his campaign paperwork. “Because I’ve personally tried every version — and frankly, I think I can do it better than any of these clowns.”
Editor’s Note: This story is satire. Any resemblance to actual campaign filings is purely coincidental — for now. Above the Fold publishes parody pieces as part of its ongoing coverage of the lighter (and glitterier) side of Key West politics.
Reformed election denier and current Supervisor of Elections Sherri Hodies confirmed receiving an electronic filing from a “G. Anthony Devolder, a.k.a. R’Lisa D’Files,” but said they were “still determining if it counts as one or two candidates.”
When asked about his ability to meet residency requirements, she responded that she has lived in her private family compound in District IV most of her life — tugging at Conch heartstrings.
Platform Highlights
According to the announcement, Santos — or R’Lisa — promises to:
Create a Mallory Square Spaceport, turning the Sunset Celebration into “the first zero-gravity drag show.”
Establish a Fantasy Fest Ethics Office to replace the long-stalled Inspector General position, “judged by a bipartisan panel of bartenders from Bourbon Street.”
Impose a $5 ‘Truth Tax’ on tourists asking whether Hemingway once lived here.
Ban commissioners from billing taxpayers for their personal legal defenses “unless their eyeliner runs during questioning.”
He also pledged to introduce a cryptocurrency called Conch coin to “end the tyranny of parking meters” and make it easier to steal money from the general fund.
Meet R’Lisa DeFiles
At a campaign-launch performance at Aqua Nightclub, Santos debuted his new drag persona — R’Lisa DeFiles — explaining that the name symbolizes “the search for transparency and the right to remain fabulous.”
Wearing a sequined sash reading “Transparency Is My Drag Name,” Relisa told the crowd:
“George Santos is the past. R’Lisa DeFiles is the future — and unlike Commissioner Carey, I never delete my emails.”
Her platform heels reportedly contained mini USB drives of her “classified materials.”
“It’s called walking tall,” she said.
Reaction From City Hall
Reactions were immediate, candid — and mostly disbelief.
“Honestly, he’s the first opponent who might make Carey look like the normal one,” said one city employee, speaking on condition of anonymity because “we’re already being audited.”
Commissioner Sam Kaufman joked that Santos “should fit right in, as long as he remembers Fantasy Fest costumes have to be under 25 percent truth content.”
Mayor Danise Henriquez declined comment, saying only that she was working with the city’s sustainability coordinator and “reviewing whether campaign glitter counts as a hazardous material.”
Carey responded in a lengthy Facebook post accusing Santos of “stealing my color palette, my eyeliner, and possibly my publicist.”
R’Llisa fired back within minutes:
“Well, bless your heart! Don’t worry, sugar — I don’t do refunds. Or receipts.”
Carey was quickly banned after DeFiles lodged a complaint with Meta overlords that the commissioner was spreading disinformation.
The Perfect Match
“If Carey is the Lady Macbeth of municipal ethics, Santos is her rhinestone-covered reflection,” said a College of the Florida Keys professor. “And R’Lisa DeFiles is the soundtrack.”
Even a Conch Republic founder weighed in:
“We seceded where others failed in ’82 to escape the long, icy tendrils of the federal government. Running Santos against Carey? That’s the sequel we didn’t know we needed.”
On the Campaign Trail
The R’Lisa DeFiles campaign announced a fundraiser titled “Lies, Rum & Reform” at the Green Parrot next week, with a suggested donation of “one truth or two drink tickets.”
Future appearances include a Rick’s Bar karaoke debate, a sunset-cruise fundraiser aboard the Fury Catamaran, and a Fantasy Fest float carrying the slogan:
“Real Bubbas Don’t Fact-Check.”
Asked whether she expects to win, R’Lisa smiled:
“Darling, I was born here — my mom saved the coral reefs and brought back mega cruise ships, my dad invented rum, and I once out-danced Carey at Bourbon Street Pub. But she’ll never admit it.”
Asked if she thought their might be any legal challenges to her candidacy, DeFiles said she had complete faith in her legal counsel at Dewey, Cheatum & How.
No records confirm any of it.
But in Key West, that might just be the point.
The Relisa D’Files Campaign Trail: Timeline (So Far)
7:42 a.m. — The Filing Heard ’Round the Island
Supervisor of Elections’ inbox pings with a digital submission from “G. Anthony Devolder / R’Lisa D’Files.” Attachments: a selfie, a glitter smear, and an NFT of the Southernmost Point. File name: TRUTH_FINAL_FINAL_REAL.pdf
8:15 a.m. — Sloppy Joe’s Press Conference
Santos arrives in a sequined blazer and announces his candidacy against Carey. Two roosters interrupt to crow “lies!” but are promptly added to his campaign staff as ethics consultants.
9:03 a.m. — Aqua Nightclub Debut
R’Lisa D’Files is born, lip-syncing to “Material Girl” and declaring “Transparency is my drag name.” Dollar bills labeled “campaign contributions” rain down.
10:27 a.m. — City Hall Reacts
Commissioner Kaufman asks if “R’Lisa D’Files” qualifies as a DBA. Mayor Henriquez orders a review of whether campaign glitter is a hazardous substance.
11:45 a.m. — Facebook Firestorm
Carey posts: “He stole my eyeliner and my district!” Relisa replies: “Sweetheart, if you can’t stand the spotlight, don’t run toward the disco ball.”
11:46 a.m. — Carey banned from Facebook for spreading untruths about Santos/Devolder/DeFiles.
12:22 p.m. — Ethics Committee Emergency Meeting
Agenda: “Is it misconduct if it’s fabulous?” Meeting adjourned when a staffer accidentally activates a bubble machine.
2:10 p.m. — Campaign Fundraiser Announced
“Lies, Rum & Reform” set for the Green Parrot. Suggested donation: one truth, two drink tickets, or a spare boa.
3:33 p.m. — Conch Republic Endorsement
Unofficial proclamation signed “by whoever’s sober at Margaritaville.” Statement: “R’Lisa D’Files embodies the true spirit of secession — mostly sequins.”
Sunset — Mallory Square
R’Lisa and Carey cross paths at the waterfront. Both claim to have invented the Conch Republic. A tourist tips them both, saying, “You’re the most honest politicians I’ve ever met.”
Paid for by The Committee to Elect Whoever She Is This Week.
Thank you! We needed this - good timing.
For what it’s worth, 145 people asked “did santos move to key west” in Google this morning already…
🤣🤣